nouveau intricate void

Choosing to trust, decided to take chances, like the phrase goes, what’s the worst that could happen,you only live once. Splendour, blooming… the early stages that are wished on to last forever and a day,if only forever was a thing.

A day by day, minute by minute… that’s our energy, to relish in what is there for the moment, or is it moving on swiftly to board the bus to forget- about -it-what’s -next.

Assume the scars left on that skin, the daily reminder of the cost for authenticity,blindly chasing those shattered pieces that gave the scars … oh sweet poison.

Home is where your heart is. Only that she needs a heart to have a home. If only it was still intact,not as crumbled as it is, having bled dry, beyond fixing.

She doesn’t know since when she let this idea of crying to let go,or sharing your inner turmoil with someone close get to her. Well,what to do when she won’t let even that someone who considers themself close depicher her ominous fears.Pent up the sadness, ceremoniously awaiting the bursting of her eye banks,only to flood her face with emotions beyond talking about or writing away. Their expression purely divine.

Tears are for the weak. She keeps drumming into her stubborn head,as more teardrops fall. We’re strong. Strong girls don’t tear up.

Unless there’s a trigger . That confirms her greatest fear… thought she’d moved on,grown, become unbreakable,only to be hit by the realization that she’s still the old, pathetic emotional wreck that she’s always been.

The change of environment was just an illusion of sanity,a glimpse of normalcy,that she’ll continue to yearn for yet never experience .The price she pays for being authentic, choosing to not act indifferent or rather oblivious of her inner self,the broken one,not that facade she puts up for all to see.

A million thoughts racing,each with a view to driving her insane before the other does.All she’s left with is that pillow,that feels her bleeding heart,sees through to the wounds she’s nursing on it,the missing fragments. The one that soaks in her overnight tears, bearing the dry tear marks emphasized by the early morning sun.

A sun shining rays of hope to some, consuming flames to others. A light to enhance their shine, brightness to expose her brokenness.

You see, they all say:go beyond your comfort zone,socialize and make connections, learn new skills… well,the list is endless.

Arguably, this is my journey to self discovery,no scratch that…self and society discovery… that’s the farthest my words could take us, pardon me.Do you ever have to pause and think of how to phrase your thoughts in a way that a typical human would understand? We’ll, that’s me,all the time. Huge digression,but back to my ‘whatever suits it best’ discovery…

This journey calls for listening and observing to learn how societal systems work and their incorporation into self systems and values. Letting lose is no issue,but knowing to what extent you should,establishing those non negotiable boundaries that define who you are and who you’ll eventually become… that’s where all internal chaos erupts.

On that note, I attended church today,for starters, getting out of my comfort zone, check 😉.I mean,C.U was still an option,but I chose to walk to a church that’s outside of school. The’re several departments that newbies were required to join…being me, it’s obvious that I’ll pick venue preparation or data collection, I know… minimum human contact. Bummer though, I picked instruments,damn yes!!

Think of it this way, yes, I know talking, keeping company and such aren’t my fort but what’s the worst that could happen?Tough times call for tough measures, don’t they?Even we who are most calculative have to take chances when the situation demands. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say I can play any instrument,nah ah. But I want to learn the piano,and voila! What better opportunity could there be.

In my quest to unravel my new world, I’ll start by bracing myself for whatever is thrown my way…What then am I Winner for?

The bit on socialization and connection forming… time is a factor of production,so time will tell

I literally have nothing to write,so here goes nothing…

It’s my second night here,and I’ve already started wondering whether I’ve changed that much…I know it takes someone who knows you to determine the extent of you change but there’s that little you inside who will notice even the slightest shift in the tentacles of your reserved boundaries, right?

I mean, I’m now more approachable…don’t get me wrong, still socially awkward,but that’s me. I’m learning to listen and participate in conversations without zoning out or thinking I’m irrelevant. As said, talking isn’t my cup of tea,but we’ll,a girl’s gotta say what a girl’s gotta say . I feel like I’m starting a new life all together, which I should take charge of and channel with great caution, but is it wrong to want to let go for once and move with the flow?Is that to much to ask of myself?

We’ll, I wish I could do that,be so careless,push away,no forget about that fear of messing up.Too bad I’m not up for learning new habits yet. I’ve seen them not give a damn about what they’re doing, but let’s face it,I just can’t, I’m not like them,never will be, overthinking is my middle name…

There’s a difference between growing up and adulting, don’t ask me cause I’m lost for words. I mean, even I can’t tell. Well that’s probably because I’m not yet deep. But seems like soon enough, no, sooner than expected, this ship that sails so freely and carelessly might begin to sink… deeper and deeper by the moment till it learns how to float again, but now amidst storms, not just on still waters like it’s used to.

I don’t like change just like most of you. Don’t even try to deny it. That state of being static, just laying back, knowing that you can stretch further, but at your own convenience… so appealing as appalling as the thought of it is. Damn, whoever made change inevitable?

Slowly but surely I’m learning to be responsible for my life.No longer just the subject of discussion but the core of the discussion, a stakeholder at that. I’d say I so much long for my carefree early and mid teenage days, but who am I kidding. It’s so hard to manoeuvre sans a manual,yet be expected to be always right,like you’re some sort of god.But how can I get one when each person’s manual for life is different, or rather unique?

I thought I’d only test this at school, but here we are, sometimes when you have two options in a given situation, for me choosing the more stupid one is smarter. For staters, we learn from mistakes especially deliberate ones. I’m not rooting for this but if you can relate, then you know what I mean. Weird as it is, that’s how some of our brains work. Secondly, the unwise option of the two lowers people’s expectations before seeing you deliver. Zero hype, zero pressure, and that look of surprise and tone of disbelief… makes it all worth it. Albeit a risk, it’s better than walking on eggshells, afraid to miss the step, right?

I didn’t have a title for this, but I bet you have one by now.

There’s a difference between growing up and adulting, don’t ask me cause I’m lost for words. I mean, even I can’t tell. Well that’s probably because I’m not yet deep. But seems like soon enough, no, sooner than expected, this ship that sails so freely and carelessly might begin to sink… deeper and deeper by the moment till it learns how to float again, but now amidst storms, not just on still waters like it’s used to.

I don’t like change just like most of you. Don’t even try to deny it. That state of being static, just laying back, knowing that you can stretch further, but at your own convenience… so appealing as appalling as the thought of it is. Damn, whoever made change inevitable?

Slowly but surely I’m learning to be responsible for my life.No longer just the subject of discussion but the core of the discussion, a stakeholder at that. I’d say I so much long for my carefree early and mid teenage days, but who am I kidding. It’s so hard to manoeuvre sans a manual,yet be expected to be always right,like you’re some sort of god.But how can I get one when each person’s manual for life is different, or rather unique?

I thought I’d only test this at school, but here we are, sometimes when you have two options in a given situation, for me choosing the more stupid one is smarter. For staters, we learn from mistakes especially deliberate ones. I’m not rooting for this but if you can relate, then you know what I mean. Weird as it is, that’s how some of our brains work. Secondly, the unwise option of the two lowers people’s expectations before seeing you deliver. Zero hype, zero pressure, and that look of surprise and tone of disbelief… makes it all worth it. Albeit a risk, it’s better than walking on eggshells, afraid to miss the step, right?

I didn’t have a title for this, but I bet you have one by now.

Am I the only one who’s not fond of being in the spotlight?Is it just I,or do you also think two’s company, three’s a crowd?A somnolent one that could effortlessly choke to suffocation.

Is it just I who would pick aquaintances over friendships at any given moment? Am I the only one who thinks that most of our alleged friendships demand too much effort? Or are you ready to bare yourself out, show emotions,share feelings and care at all times,all for what? For you to lose connection,or worse have the rag pulled from your feet when you least expect it. Before you go ahead and judge my persona, well,if you already haven’t, this is not the tone of bitterness or regret, it’s the truth you choose to overlook from the book of truths.

Of course you all want that friendship that you feel comes naturally (don’t even try to deny).That which you’re not sweating blood to keep afloat… they once said, don’t go looking for it, let it find you.

Is it just I who knows that, yes, I carry a strain of snobbery, but that’s the least of my concerns?Or sometimes you also want to let go, and be as casual as anyone could possibly be, I mean,who doesn’t want to chill and embrace utopia,even just for a moment?

But,alas! When you’re finally within a whisker of letting loose and living in the moment, that voice with effrontery so thick thick to cut through, creeps in and whispers to you,”it is better to err on the side of caution”.

I bet it’s not just I,or is it? If I hit a nerve, I’m wearing the largest smug😏

“Your smile lights up my world.” He’d say. I still don’t get how darkness could light anything up. That smile was a mask over her forlorn face. Those who claim to know her only know the ‘her’ she wants them to. To be honest, only those four dark blue walls know her, they’ve seen her bare soul, streaked of all the plastic smiles and the ever cheerful face. That tear stricken pillow is the closest to a confidant that she has.

I watched as she dared to trust again. I call it daring since who in all their sanity would want to trust again after all she’d been through? Well, definitely not me. Many would side with me on quenching fire with fire. But she chose to differ. May not be the best decision, acting like all is fine when it’s not but she chose that. From her I’ve come to believe that eyes are the windows to the soul. Don’t ask me how but I’ve always seen that her smile doesn’t reach the eyes. That’s not the point, the point is for how much longer will she hold up before she breaks, and who’ll be there to pick up the pieces of her?

Well, eventually she broke, and not as gracefully as you’d think. She just snapped. She’s the kind of still waters that ran deeper than we’re used to. Withdrawal was evidently taking over here ever jovial facade. And as life would have it, her so called ‘loyal’ friends pulled away seeing she had nothing to offer.

Albeit strange, this created the current to propel her into embracing her new found, or rather her real self, the companionship in solitude. We think that solitude is supposed to drive us nuts or plunge us into irredeemable depression, but I’d say it all depends on what you choose.

She thrived in her own company and discovered that she didn’t ever need them to be amaizing, that being at the sidelines of their lives wasn’t good enough. And her fate led her to birds of the same feather, with whom she’d communicate in silence, that same silence that they so much abhorred and found lame, boring… and the list is endless.

After accepting what she thought was darkness, it turned out to be her greatest light. She grew comfortable in her own skin, wasn’t afraid to be a geek anymore, choosing to live her best life and be her own boss.

She has a story, no… stories to tell but she’d rather leave them for us, the lucky few who’ve managed to depicher her through her eyes.

On the verge of giving up, thinking you’d lost… that’s when you find yourself, and the feeling is inexplicable, it’s liberating. You realize that you overlooked your strengths in pursuit of what you thought was greater, but come to think of it… was it? Was it really?

You ignite in you passions that remained hidden in your inner thoughts. Passions that had for so long remained as doddles in that journal locked so carefully in the drawer. That you thought could only make sense if others believed in you. In that quiet moment you realize that you didn’t need others first, you needed to believe in yourself, your confidence would be the light to draw the moths, I mean the masses.

Did all this hit hard? You probably guessed right, heck yeah it did. Castles you’ve spent years building, albeit in the air couldn’t disappear in a day, could they? This brings you into a period of introspection and focus shifting. Hit the nail in the head by making your work precede your name, and all will try to place a face to the name, YOUR NAME!

Are you one of those who feel alone in the crowd? But you’re so occupied with your thoughts that you barely feel lonely. Someone is probably wondering what kind of thoughts. Well, on a scale of 0000-9999,the feasibility of the thoughts is down the line. It ranges from anything to everything… zombies, alternate universe, weird conspiracies , mysticism… the list is endless.

Think of a flower that’s just recently blossomed. If we were to imagine what it’s thinking, or feeling, though frivolous, what would that be? A countdown to it’s due withering date, plight before its damned end, or savouring the days left to shine and stay pretty? Bask in that morning sunshine, serendipitously beckoning the pretty busy bees, pulling the ever busy humans just for a glimpse or a sniff of the fragrance? Leaving behind, or rather carrying with it sweet memories even after it’s no longer there.

Flower, what would you do?